AlecTorelli
The world is my book. I wanna write it!
Merry Christmas
Hey Everyone,
I wanted to take this time to give a special thanks to everyone's support over the past few years. I have some reallyyyy cool and innovative stuff coming up this year that I'm going to share with ya'll. I appreciate everyone that took the time to write, and your encouragement and feedback keeps me going!
This is a house I went to recently to look at Christmas lights. Pretty ridiculous. (Sorry if it takes a minute to load)
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Merry Christmas!
Alec
www.twitter.com/alectorelli
alectorelli@gmail.com
I've Gone Back to College... Sorta
I'm sorry if I haven't updated the blog with the rest of the trip report from Highway 1. Something came up. What I have been doing however deserves some explanation...
For the past semester I have been taking classes at Chapman University. Wait a minute, I thought you dropped out of college? Well I did, twice. However two days before University started I decided I wanted to go back to see things from a more enlightened perspective. But how was a two time college dropout with no resume or transcript (not to mention not wanting to pay $40,000 a year to attend Chapman) supposed to attend University? There was really only one way... sneak in.
The day before school started I printed out a class schedule (found on Chapman's website www.chapman.edu) of all the classes I wanted to take along with a map of the campus. I went to class the next day, with a backpack and a laptop and just showed up. What's the worst that can happen? They kick me out?
My first class was a Creative Writing class with a maximum of 17 people. The class was obviously full and thus I was sitting on the floor. Following the class, the teacher asked me to stay behind. "I didn't call you name," he told me. "I know professor, that's because I'm not in your class." "I'm sorry but we have 19 people already, I'm afraid if you're not on the waiting list we have no room for you." I explained to him that I was a professional poker player with a passion for writing. "I'm going to work harder than every student in here," I told him. "Unlike them I actually want to be here." "Alec, I like your fire but I can't just let any kid of the street into my class. I could get fired for this. These kids pay $40,000 a year to be here. There's other people on the wait list that want the class and..." I wasn't having it. "I'll be your teachers aid. I'll get you coffee and bring you a bagel everyday..." After 15 minutes he conceded. He let me in. I couldn't believe it. One for one.
With new found confidence, I went to at least 15 classes over the next five days. It was awesome because I felt like I was shopping for a new car with no budget. If I didn't like a class, I would simply leave and find a new one that better suited my time schedule or interests. Since I had no defined major or agenda, I sat in every class with an open mind and best of all, my purpose for being there was actually to learn. I attended an eclectic variety of classes from writing to psychology to real estate development. After the week long binge was over, I had successfully crept into three classes of my choosing; Creative Writing, Real Estate Development and Psychology of Motivation and Emotion. Best of all, it was absolutely free! (Well almost free.. I did rent a textbook for $12 and decided to audit one class which cost a few hundred. I even managed to get myself an official Chapman ID card 
I developed a few rules and strategies that helped me maximize my experience while at University.
1) Always bring a backpack and laptop
2) When they call role don't say anything
3) Be honest. If you're passionate about something, the teachers dig that and want to help.
4) Always sit next to the most attractive woman.
I'm sure you have 1,000,000 questions and I could write a book on my experiences there. If so please email me and I'll get back to you! I had some ridiculous moments, good times and met a lot of cool people. Best of all, I learned a ton in the process. Ironically enough, I spent more time in University when I didn't have to be there than my entire time while a paid student at SMU. I attribute this to actually wanting to learn and not being pressured or forced to get a grade. Instead of worrying about coming out ahead, I simply tried to soak up knowledge which made the experience much more pleasurable. Of course I never did any homework or tests, unless I found it interesting and genuinely wanted to learn the material. I specifically remember walking into my psychology class one Tuesday afternoon and the professor said, "we have a test today." I turned around and walked right out. Most of the students had no idea I was a professional poker player because I'm young enough to blend right in. I wanted to keep it that way so i could get a more genuine experience and get the college experience. In the case of one class, the cat was let out of the bag early…
A week into the semester, I realized I wanted to add another class to my regimen. I hopped into a public speaking class and fortunately enough, the professor was sick the first few days of class so I didn't technically miss anything. We sat there in silence as the 75 year old man waited patiently for the clock to strike 2:30 pm. Promptly following it, he started blasting techno music so loud that the entire building could hear and jumped around the class screaming and dancing. What did I get myself into? He decided that we all need to overcome our fear of public speaking so he called students on his desk to stand in front of the class where he would interrogate and try to embarrass them. As he scanned the room I felt my heart beat quickly, like I was making a big bluff on the river. "He's gonna pick me." I thought to myself. I just knew it.
"You there, in the orange shirt. Come up here." I stood quietly. How am I going to get out of this one? "Lets give him a round of applause. I walked forward as the class applauded.
I stood on the tall oak desk in front of 30 students as the professor paced back and forth in front of the class. His Micky Mouse button pinned freshly to his accompanying suit. His top had and full scaled beard polished off the look.
"Soooooo," he began very candidly. "What's your name?"
"Alec Torelli."
"Why did you decide to come to Chapman?"
I paused for a second. "To learn."
"Don't bullshit me son. I've been here 42 years and I've heard it all."
"Wanna bet?" I wanted to ask him. I thought better of it.
"Okay… What are you studying?"
"Well," I began. It's kinda complicated. I guess I'm not studying anything in particular."
"Yes, so you're undecided. That's okay too. So you're a freshman?"
"No sir."
"Senior?"
"Not quite."
"Well what year are you?"
"Um… I'm not really any year. I'm not sure how to answer that."
"So what are you doing here? Who are you?"
"Well. I don't really go to Chapman sir. I just came by today because I really want to learn and public speaking has always interested me. I heard your class was amazing and I really would like to sit in on it this semester."
"Hmmmmm." He paused for a moment and scratched his beard while thinking.
"So what is it you do?"
"I'm a professional poker player."
"And you make your living doing that?"
"Yup."
"So you play on all those tournaments we see then?"
"Yes."
"And what's the most amount of money you've made in a tournament?"
"Well it's sort of a difficult question because it's kinda personal. I mean I wouldn't ask you how much you make in a year right?"
"Well sure, we're open here. I make $100,000"
I laughed. "Look" he told me. "If you want to stay in my class you're going to have to be honest. Its the least you can do for sneaking in here."
"$336,000." So much for keeping a low profile. He looked a bit puzzled. The class erupted. Was this some sort of joke? The first 10 minutes of class and theres some kid in an orange shirt standing in front of the class talking about being a professional poker player sneaking into a University. Everyone was quite confused. After the turmoil settled he looked back up at me.
"In my 42 years of teaching, I've never quite seen something like this. But you know what, that's what makes my job what it is. Welcome to public speaking."
My experiences in this class proved to be the best of my life. I learned so much and his teaching style was the best I've seen. The class was awesome and we got to watch students speak all year about meaningful experiences in their lives. I was fortunate to share my experiences as well and be a part of the class. What I'm going to share with you is my final speech, given in the lecture hall in front of the students of that public speaking class. It was my semester's work and is very personal to me. I hope you enjoy. If you dig it, please let me know because I plan to do more of these video blog entires in the future, so instead of writing about an experience I can talk about it and convey and share much more with ya'll. Again, if you have questions or want to know some cool things about my stories at Chapman, let me know and I'll answer all them in a video entry or personal emails of some sort.
Here is the link to the speech.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1LZTz9NmoE
You can always email me at alectorelli@gmail.com.
Thanks for the support.
Cheers,
Trah
San Francisco!
Saturday - Monday, November 27th - 29th
I woke up around 8 am to the sound of pouring rain outside the window. I had ambitions of visiting the a nice stroll through the park, doing some reading outside and drifting around the city. So much for that idea. I headed to Starbucks to reevaluate. While ordering my morning Chai I inquired about local attractions in the area. "I would like to take a run, perhaps in a nearby park or something. Is there anything like that around here?" "Well of course there's the bridge just down the road," she replied hastily. "Bridge? What bridge." She looked puzzled. "The Golden Gate bridge." I felt like a moron. "Oh, yea… where's that again?"
I made my way to the base of the bridge and marveled at its grandeur. I realized that there was a pathway leading across the bridge where pedestrians could walk. There was a fair number of tourists, most of whom were lining up for the covered bus tours or driving slowly taking pictures in their cars. Not me. I decided the only way to truly see all the bridge has to offer was to cross it on foot. I learned that it was roughly four miles round trip on the pedestrian path. I grabbed my ipod, tied up my shoes and began running. Although it was pouring rain on the bridge, I was heavily compensated by an amazing view of the horizon. The sun's rays peered through the clouds and lit up the city. The runners high kicked in and I felt on top of the world. The bridge, city and skyline was all so grandiose, that it humbled me. I guess you had to be there, but it just made me what to be better.
The rest of the weekend was spent drifting around the city, window shopping, eating, reading and writing. I played some online poker tournaments Sunday, which was mundane to say the least.
I got up on Monday excited to tackle the city. I grabbed my REI day pack, loaded it up with protein bars, trail mix and fruit and was ready to go! I made my way through the Castro district where one can feel content drinking coffee, eating lunch and reading a book for hours upon end. After four hours of indulgence, I hit the road and walked to Haight-Ashbery. The charming little hippie town was home to smoke shops, health stores and homeless people. I'd be confident in saying there are as many unemployed homeless people as working citizens. One almost couldn't imagine the town without them. It would feel naked. Every third block there was a police offer escorting a drunk bum to a different corner where another cop would send him back. The whole process was quite amusing. It got my curiosity aroused and I asked the cop about the punishment for sleeping on the streets. From the impression I got, sleeping on the streets was about as enforced as jay walking in New York City. There were so many of them that their goal has shifted from preventing to containing and managing.
I couldn't help but wonder what it'd be like to be homeless. In some ways it must be liberating having nobody to answer to, nowhere to be and nothing to do. As I strolled down the street, I stopped to talk to a juggler. As we struck up a conversation, he began to teach me how to juggle bowling pins. It's quite harder than it looks. I showed him some magic and I inquired about his life. I learned that he spent the last two years backpacking through Europe and had traveled to roughly 20 countries. He spoke multiple languages and performed in a traveling circus throughout Europe. Him and his girlfriend slept wherever they could - in hostels, friends houses or even street corners if necessary. He was extremely well versed in European culture and informed me of many unique laws and customs of various countries. Who would have ever thought you'd be on a street corner learning European politics from a homeless juggler? His plans for the future was to save up $1000, head back to Europe and drift some more. He was fond of landing in a random city and just seeing where life took him.
Several minutes later, another homeless fellow joined the conversation where I learned more about drugs than I did in my entire D.A.R.E program. I bought them both a beer and said my farewells. Again, I was humbled.
It got me thinking. The life he's aspiring to live is no different than what most college students and Wall Street millionaires want. What I presume we want when we delve into these corporate jobs is to eventually gain the freedom to see and experience the world as we want it. We want to travel with no restrictions and leave all inhibitions at home. We don't necessarily want $1,000,000, but rather we want what we THINK that money is going to provide for our lifestyle. Ironically enough, this homeless guy was living it. He had no money, but he had bought his freedom with the courage it takes to live in a way that focuses on lifestyle choices. He enjoyed the freedom to go as he pleases, with nobody to answer to. I tried to put myself in a hypothetical situation where I could chose between a life in corporate america or a struggling juggle on the streets of San Francisco. At what point would I sacrifice my lifestyle for a job working in corporate america? In other words, how important is it to me to live a lifestyle where I make the rules? After a little thought, I came up with my answer. Priceless.
For thoughts, questions or comments please email me at alectorelli@gmail.com. You can also follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/alectorelli
Cheers,
Trah
A Trip to Nowhere... Day 4 (Big Sur, Carmel, Pebble Beach, San Fran)
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Friday, November 26th (Black Friday)
I woke up at 5:30 am and after a quick bite to eat, I hit the road. The sun was rising over the horizon which made the ocean sparkle like a girl who wears too much glitter on her face. I looked at my thermometer which read 37 degrees. I wasn't about to let the cold weather rain on my parade. I put on three layers on top, two on bottom, gloves, a beanie, seat warmers and the heat so I could comfortably ride with the top down. There wasn't a single car on the road which allowed me to tightly hug the turns at 70 mph. I blasted the music and sang at the top of my lungs. In those moments, I experienced the sensation of being alive. Best of all, like most good things in life, it didn't cost me any money. However, I would not classify this experience as free. It's much easier to purchase a sensation than experience one on your own accord. Purchasing a sensation is as easy as going to a movie, zoo, taking drugs or watching a broadway show. Creating your own experience requires much more than money; it requires letting go of control and inhibitions so you can experience things as they come. I find the latter to be much more difficult to achieve which is explains why the sensation is much more liberating and enjoyable.
I made my way through Big Sur and marveled at the scenic beauty. I ate breakfast in Nacimiento which has one of the most spectacular views the coast has to offer.
I hiked down to Lafayette Beach which was completely secluded and just soaked up the view.
I crossed Bixby Bridge where I came across a young traveler. I gave him an elevator glance and noticed he only had a bicycle, sleeping bag, backpack and guitar on his back. His scruffy face couldn't have seen more than 20 summers and he looked like he hadn't showered since October. Intrigued, I asked him, "where you headed?" "South," he said candidly.
I was hoping for something a little more specific. "Well where'd you come from?" "North," he chuckled. "How far north?" "Vancouver." "And how far south?" "I'm hoping to make it to San Diego before Christmas." "And all you have is this bike and your guitar?" "You know it. I've always wanted to see Highway 1 and now I'm doing it." And I thought I was a champion. I learned this kid had never even ridden a bicycle before this trip and here he was averaging 60 miles a day on the coast. He was living and yet another example of how money is only an excuse we use for not doing the things we want.
I continued to Carmel, where I drifted around the quaint little town and stopped for lunch. I strolled down Scenic Drive which overlooks the gorgeous California coastline. The city was absolutely packed for Black Friday which made shopping quite an experience. I picked up a few cool souvenirs and added a Dogs vs. Cats chess set to my growing collection.
After lunch, I took the infamous 17 mile drive through the palaces that overlook the ocean and Pebble Beach Golf Course.
I concluded the trip around 3 pm and realized I was just a quick 2 hours from San Francisco. I made my way north and as I approached the city, got a call from Antonio Esfandiari, whom was also in the city for Thanksigiving. I agreed to meet him at his hotel in downtown. By the time I parked and got to his room it was 5:35. "Hurry up," he told me as he opened the door. "We're going to Union Square in 10 minutes for the lighting of the Christmas tree. It stars at 6:00." I had just driven 200 miles over 12 hours and all I wanted was a shower and some food. I scrambled to get ready, downed a protein bar and ran out of the room to Union Square. We watched as a choir sang and a band performed in front of 10,000+ people who lined up to see the annual Christmas Tree Lighting. The energy was amazing and it was cool to see everyone out in the city so excited over something so seemingly trivial. I bought into it, only because I love the spirit and atmosphere of Christmas. It made me feel like a little kid again, if only for a second. The entire city square was lit up with lights and if I wasn't third wheeling Antonio and Priscialla, one could say the experience was romantic. Too romantic, really.
Following the spectacle, we walked into a nearby Italian restaurant at 7:30 PM on Black Friday which (as you can imagine) was absolutely packed. Antonio made his way over to the hostess to inquire about getting a table.
"Hello young lady" (she was roughly 40), how long for a table for 3?"
"We're booked the rest of the night, sorry. It's Black Friday and we …"
"What's your name?" Antonio charmed.
"Megan."
"Hello Megan," he said sticking out his hand. "Antonio. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise."
"I'm from Las Vegas. If you take care of me, I'll take care of you," Antonio said with a smile.
"Let me see what I can do," she said with hesitation. "We're really swamped tonight." Antonio pulled out $25 from his pocket. "Watch and learn kid," he whispered to me.
"He strategically positioned himself in the middle of the tables where she would inevitably walk back to the front desk. As she approached, he slipped out his hand and shook hers saying, "Thanks for your help." I watched as he palmed her the $25. Two minutes later we were seated in a booth with a waiter taking our order. The food was amazing, and we gossiped for hours over wine, oysters, salmon and linguini.
After dinner, I headed out to Isaac "WestmenloAA" Baron's place on the Marina. The two bedroom, third story penthouse was equipped with modern marble and wood finish as well as a fireplace. It was also walking distance to a market, starbucks and 24 hour fitness. I was in heaven. By the time I got settled around 10:30, I passed out for a much needed sleep.
Do It Yourself!
Starting Point: Gorda, CA
Ending Point: San Francisco, CA
Distance Traveled: 181 miles
Cost: $60 in Gas
On A Budget: Busses and Trains can take you up and down the coast which provide a unique way to meet backpackers and travelers from all over the world.
Wanna Get Extreme: Bike it!!
For thoughts, questions or comments please email me at alectorelli@gmail.com You can follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/alectorelli
Cheers from San Fran
Trah
Day 2 and 3 of trip
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Wednesday, November 24th
After a killer morning workout, I made my way north toward Santa Barbara. The pre Thanksgiving traffic was absolutely horrendous and by the time I got to Santa Barbara it was nearly dark. Fortunately, the highway allowed for spectacular views and I got to watch the sunset while driving. Gorgeous. I was semi frustrated that it took me several days to travel 100 miles and was in no mood to camp. It was just after 5:00 pm and I suddenly felt the urge to play some poker. For those of you who read regularly, I haven't talked about poker since Bush was president, so you know this is a rare occasion. I called Amex in search of a home. They lead me to the Bacara Resort and Spa just north of Santa Barbara. http://www.bacararesort.com/ It's one of my favorite hotels in world, located right on the cliffs, overlooking the ocean. It's impeccable service and spectacular views make it a perfect pre trip detox. I checked in to the hotel just in time to register for several late night tournaments. I entered four tournaments and two cash games. They had these little golf carts that take you to your room. From the lobby to the room, I made $400 which paid for my stay. While playing, I kept myself entertained by singing along to "Aladdin" and "Beauty and the Beast" on ABC. After busting the tournaments four hours later (ironically right when the movies ended), I finished + $2,200, which should cover the cost of the trip. Life is good… especially when you win at poker.
Thursday, November 25th (Thanksgiving)
After sleeping a solid 8 hours, I woke up at 8:00 am eager to conquer the day! I downed a protein shake and hit the pool for a solid mile long swim. I soaked up the sun afterwards in the jacuzzi which overlooked the ocean. I felt like a champion. After breakfast at the cafe, I hit the gym for a 45 minute, high intensity workout. Who says you need to get paid to be an athlete? After some detoxing in the steam room/spa, I hit the road. The highway was completely open, and I was flying. Top down, driving 110, scenic views and a sick playlist. It doesn't get better than that. I passed a cop going 95 in a 60 and he didn't pull me over. That's when you know it's going to be a good day.
After driving a few hours, I realized the road was looking quite barren. What happened to the beautiful coastal views? "Damn," I thought to myself. "This drive isn't all that they say it is." When I pulled over to get gas, I asked the attendant, "where's the water? I thought this highway was right on the beach?" She looked puzzled. "You are on Highway 101. The coast is on Highway 1." Fuck me. I had been driving 200 miles on the wrong highway. After pouting about my ignorance, I reminded myself that you can't get lost when you don't have a destination. I had an amazing time, so what's the difference. I inquired about how to find the highway and she told me I was 50 miles inland. I headed back south on the 101 until I reached the turn off and made my way toward the coast. After driving 50 miles on a desolate winding, I found myself at the same location. I had driven in a circle for the past hour. Infuriated, I retraced my steps back to my missed turn off (easy to do when you're driving 100) and again searched for the ocean. I tried to calm myself down and remind myself that I was in no rush and had nowhere to go. Why was I so concerned about wasting time? Getting "lost" was a valuable lesson, because I learned that I need to slow down and just enjoy being out of control, experiencing the trip as it comes. Fortunately, this detour led me to some pretty spectacular views.
As I was driving, I came across a family of 10 - 15 deer, just drifting through the woods. Unfortunately, one of them didn't make it 
Several miles later, I came across a deserted US Military Tank, which was 100 yards from the road. I stopped to explore and the control deck and top were open. I could literally climb inside and mess with the controls and adjust the shooter. Not something you see everyday.
Sunset came about a half hour later, and as the sun kissed the horizon, the sky lit up with a stunning blend of orange, yellow, red and purple. The epic cliffs allowed for amazing views, but of course the pictures don't do justice.
I finally hit highway 1 around 5:30 pm and decided to post up in Gorda for the night. I checked into a little cabin on the water and after a quick meal and hot shower, I passed out around 8:00 pm. It didn't even occur to me until I checked my phone to set an alarm, that I "missed" Thanksgiving.
Some things about the holidays have always puzzled me. They actually semi - tilt me because people miss the meaning entirely. Why do we put such value on them? It's like nobody gives a damn the entire year and suddenly the holidays come and they care about giving, family and friends. Why do people need a holiday as an excuse to see their family and tell others we love them? If you miss someone's birthday or don't send them a gift, it's like you are a bad person. Like you owe them something on that holiday. Doesn't it mean much more if they receive a card from you telling them you love them on March 18th or June 4th or April 23rd for no particular reason? Wouldn't that show much more thought and love than sending it when you "have" to on a holiday that demands it? The people who only show appreciation on holidays are "part time" friends. The holidays only come once a year; it's sad that we need them to remind us of what's important. At least you have me who reminds you every week
Holidays diminish the value of giving and love because we are forced to celebrate them. I saw my grandma last week for no reason simply because I love her and enjoy the company. I have dinner with my parents regularly because they are special and close to me. Furthermore, if that's the only time you see your family, why do it at all? If it's a drag and you don't like it, cut it out. You only have one life to live and its yours! Since time is our most valuable asset we should stop spending it doing them and start doing us! I don't need hallmark or anyone else to remind me that I love them, to binge eat on a random Thursday or feel romance under the city lights. I can do that 365 days a year.
End of rant.
For comments, questions or thoughts, please email me at alectorelli@gmail.com
A Trip to Nowhere... Day One
Tuesday, November 23th
I'm headed on a journey and this is my diary. I will include pictures as well for your viewing pleasure. I'll try to post one a day!
This marks the first entry of my trip report. I'm not going to edit this, it's a trip report not a persuasive blog entry. Candid. Just me, wherever I am, whatever I'm thinking. Before I go into detail, this trip came about by mere coincidence. Both of my parents left town for Thanksgiving (my mom to NYC and my dad to Texas) and I had nowhere to spend the holiday. For some, this would the most depressing feeling in the world. For me, I couldn't be happier. It's not that I don't love my family; in fact, quite the opposite. It's that I rarely get time alone and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. While debating my Thanksgiving plans, I realized I haven't taken a trip alone since New Zealand (January of 2009), nearly two years ago. I don't know where I'm headed because the destination is unimportant. One only needs a destination if they have somewhere to be. My goal is not to get somewhere, it's to enjoy the process of getting there. In my experiencing traveling, having a destination forces my mental energy to be expended on arriving at the location, instead of enjoying the journey. California's Highway 1 is supposed to be one of the most beautiful drives in the world. Why hinder it with time and endpoints? If I see somewhere I like, I want to be able to stop until I'm ready to move on. I don't know how long I'm going for because boundaries limit our experiences. I only know that I'm leaving my house and driving north. Since it's hard to pack when you don't know where you're going, I brought the following items.
Kelty Coyote 78L Backpack: perfect for any overnight hiking or camping adventure
Marmont +15 (can sustain 15 degree weather) sleeping bag
Trek Light Hammock to post up between two redwoods and sleep
Tent and Mattress Pads: In case it rains or I do some serious backpacking
REI Day Pack: for day hikes, trail running or walks
Laptop Bag: Primarily for writing but also in case I stay for a prolonged period of time, I can play poker and run my life
Canon Rebel T2i: Shoots 1080p HD video as well as amazing photos to document the experience
M6 Convertible: The preferred method of transportation
My first stop is Santa Monica. After endless traffic on the 5N (leaving before Thanksgiving was not a good idea), I realized there's no rush to get anywhere. I posted up in a hotel on the beach and caught up with some friends in the city. There's nothing like an evening drifting along the promenade and catching up over Italian food and wine. After one last stop at REI and Lulu Lemon, I was set to embark on an adventure to nowhere…
Do It Yourself!
Starting Point: Orange, CA
Ending Point: Santa Monica, CA
Distance Traveled: 48.6 Miles
Cost: $189.00
On A Budget? Camp anywhere along the CA coast for free or any number of hostels or campsites cost no more than $10 per night.
*Note: I don't include the cost of food or other necessary items. Only the incremental differences which you would incur during the trip.
For thoughts, concerns or questions, please shoot me an email at alectorelli@gmail.com
Cheers from Santa Monica, CA
Trah
Monogamy
The concept is something I've never understood! Over the past few years, I've been dating a girl from Sweden and we have what can be most commonly defined as an "open relationship." What does this mean exactly? Our relationship is serious. As friends, we are hard on one another; demanding our best, pushing for change and challenging each other. As lovers, we are passionate, honest, respectful and caring. Combine the two and you have us; soul mates. Yet because she lives in Sweden and I live in California, it's not entirely practical nor realistic for us to be in a monogamous relationship. So, we don't. We told each other we never make promises we can't keep. "I don't' want to be that guy," I told her. "You know, the one that tells you he's only going to be with you when he can't. The truth might be hard to handle sometimes, but I'll never lie to you." I've never broken my word to her and I intend to keep it that way.
I know what's going through your head at this point! I've been asked a million times before. "Do you tell each other you sleep with other people?" "Is it hard when you find out she's doing it?" "I couldn't take getting hurt like that. I just like monogamy." Yes, I've heard it all. What I find terribly ironic is while so many easily question my decisions (simply for being different), they never seem to reflect on their own relationship habits.
Upon learning that someone is in a committed relationship, I don't intrusively inquire, "isn't it hard not sleeping with other people?" "What if you cheat on her? What if she finds out?" "What if she cheats on you?" "What if you get tired of having chicken for the rest of your life?" If I were to ask these questions, many would find it offensive, as if I were questioning their religious convictions. Presumably, if I'm going to be in an "open relationship," I've given it some serious thought and am ready to explain my decision (similarly to someone being a Scientologist. One doesn't stumble upon such convictions.) Thus in my mind, the real question is, do you think about your decision Mr. Monogamy, or do you just write it off as another societal norm that you do without thinking (like going to college)? Think about your current or last relationship. Why was or is it monogamous? If it's because your partner wouldn't have it any other way is not a justifiable answer. I believe most of our views on monogamy stem from religion, and if that's your justification, no further questions. What about the rest of us? This is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and one of the biggest sacrifices one can make for another. Why commit such an act unless you truly felt adamant about it being the right decision? Just as you wouldn't take a new job or have a kid just because someone else wanted it, why should this be any different?
Consider the animal kingdom. Aside from a handful of animals, humans are among the few species who mate for life. Surely one would think it's absurd if the males didn't mate with multiple females. We are in the extremely minority as far as mating habits go. Of course this is trivial but regardless of whether we rest with the majority or minority, one should have reasons for his actions. Imagine the following. What if everyone in the world had open relationships and you were the one lone duck who wanted an exclusive one. Would you still be so adamant about your views? Are you starting to get my point? What would your parents do upon hearing that Harry, their only son was suddenly going to be monogamous! I can hear the conversation now…
"Ummm… mom, I have something I'd like to talk to you about.
"Why of course Harry, what is it my dear? You know you can tell me anything."
"You remember Sally right?"
"Yes, I adore her!"
"Well we are in love… and… well… uh….what I'm trying to say is…. I'm only going to sleep with her for the rest of my life."
"Now you listen here Harry. I'm not going to tolerate this nonsense. You think I want my only son relying on one girl to produce the rest of his babies? What about our blood line? Don't you want little asians, Germans, black and Brazilian kids running around like everyone else?"
"But mom we're in love."
Wack. That's the sound of the frying pan hitting you over the head. "Now you go screw everything that walks. You're a man for god's sake that's what you're supposed to do!"
"But mom I've already made up my mind!"
"Jesus son, just wait till your father hears this. And your grandmother. Oh Lord, she'd turn over in her grave if she knew…"
Dramatized? Maybe a little. Crazy? I'm not convinced. We make decisions simply because everyone else makes them. Why is everyone is so concerned with how other people live their lives? Why does everyone judges others for adopting an alternative lifestyle? Does it really affect you? Why are you suddenly the bad guy for expressing a different opinion or having the balls to be a shepherd in a world of sheep?
"Well that's just how relationships work. What is the point of a relationship if you aren't going to be exclusive with another person?" "What about true love?"
Fair questions. I've come to believe that love and sex aren't mutually exclusive. Just like one can LOVE sushi but still want chicken or LOVE Italy but still want to visit Greece, one can love a person but still want another. As consumers, we thrive on choice. We pride ourselves in diversity, culture, travel and trying new things. I don't see how this can apply so fervently to every area of our lives except sex.
"If you really loved them you wouldn't be with someone else."
I actually think both can be accomplished. Perhaps the diversity even enhances the primary relationship. This is true for many other aspects of our life which we don't hold these supposed moral standards to such as food, travel, moves and music. Wouldn't you get bored if you watched the same movie everyday? LIstened to the same song? Had the same food? I think monogamy is something that we have to work toward instead of accept as a societal norm. I think it should be the realized goal of a successful relationship when we are ready to make such a commitment. In my experience, most of us aren't at the point where we are mature enough to deny all other desires and purely give ourselves to one person. It is the same as believing that Buddhists are some of the happiest people in the world, I wouldn't recommend everyone endeavor on an introspective trip to a monastery. It's something that demands dedication, mental preparation and discipline.
I don't believe in cheating, I merely avoid putting myself in a situation where I would commit such an act. I believe in being honest with women, openly expressing details of my relationships should the time or need arise. While some strongly advise against this, I take solace in the fact that I can also behave normally around women, whether or not my friends are there. Of course it's tilting when I hear my girl slept with someone else. Yes, you feel insecure and hurt at times. However, I prefer the truth to the fake unrealistic. It makes me stronger and prevents a catastrophic shocking heart break. Furthermore, I would argue its equally tilting to not be able to pursue other women you are attracted to (especially given our age and distance). Or to look yourself in the mirror knowing you cheated on the mother of your child. That's much more tilting, and I'm not going to be in that spot, not now or ever. Everything has a price, it's just finding what works for you.
At this point, you may think I have something against monogamy. Please understand, I'm all for it. I envision a relationship where Lina and I can be monogamous when we can live close to each other and we're both mentally ready and mature enough to make such a commitment. It's a huge decision to make and once it's done, it's very hard to back track. It should be given ample time and consideration, similarly to someone moving to a different country to take a new job. We are so quick to jump into a monogamous relationship or not sleep with someone until we are "dating. While sex isn't the cure all, its considerably important in every relationship. Why would I give up everything to be with someone I know nothing about? Why would I make the a huge sacrifice for someone I barely know? We have our whole lives to be bound to one person, whats the rush? With divorce rates above 50% (from which a leading cause is cheating), maybe it's time for a change. This doesn't account for the vast amount of couples that are together yet unhappy and grow to resent their partners. Maybe it's time we challenge what is conventional. Most importantly, maybe it's time we each make our own decisions, independent of what those around us will think. Regardless of how you feel about them, the statistics don't lie. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, it's just sad one I'm one of the few with the courage to do something about it.
"Son, why did you break the rules like all the other boys?"
"It's not my fault Dad, everyone else was doing it!"
"If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you jump with them?"
Care to share your thoughts? Shoot me an email at alectorelli@gmail.com
To learn more on Alec visit www.alectorelli.com
