Sarah Grant

Musings on Poker and Other Stuff

Finding my way Home

October 27, 2011 4 comments

Tags: Sarah grant, Colorado, Home, Family.

I just returned from a trip to Colorado. My best friend passed away last month. Her birthday is October 24th. She and I used to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee all day long in the Waffle. We would write poetry and complain about society in a capitalistic environment. It was our second home and so for her birthday I went home to spend the night at the Waffle House.

I used to fight with her mom. We really hated each other. But his weekend we sat across from each other for hours upon hours crying and laughing and sharing in suffering and in love. We came full circle because what a waste to hold on to that.
I always get this incredible sense of arbitrage when I return home. It stays the same in some ways, and even though I am always different, I can always manage to tap back into what it felt like before. It is a bitter sweet sensation. Things will never be the same, and you don't want them to be, but one can't help but reminisce about the times that were. The experiences that built you. And to feel the experiences that are building you right now.
I ended up watching some old home movie with my cousins. It is crazy to see yourself as a child. You recognize that is you, but you can't connect yourself to that person at all. It was bizarre to see all of kids and all of parents and grandparents. Now, we have all experienced death, divorce, illness and tragedy. But when we were so young, it seemed mostly hopeful.

It is the cycle of living, of knowing each other, of being human.
My cousin brought over her new baby and I saw it beginning all over again. In a room full of family with resentments and history, everything felt happy when her beautiful son was sitting on the floor giggling. All was forgotten for the moment.

Yet, I was acutely aware that at some point he would be sitting in our position. Someday he will have baggage to carry as well. He will have disappointments and heart breaks, but also he will have joys and real love. He will have friends who feel like family. And he will have a family that will support and love him no matter what.
It is a funny thing about family, a funny thing about love, it brings people together. Sometimes, it tears people apart. It forces you to experience deep loss, and lets you experience intense happiness. Either way, I trust it. I trust the ebb and flow. The leaving and coming back. The dying and being born. It is all part of pieces that are making us from moment to moment. And I am grateful for all of them.

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