Musings on Poker and Other Stuff
I was going to start my post with a super funny glamour shot. I didn't have any of me digitized and I realized I would be guilty of making fun of some innocent 80s victim. You will see later why I just couldn't get myself to do that.
It has been a bit since I wrote. The WSOP has had my attention pretty fully for the last few weeks. I was here last year, but my function was completely different. This hosting thing has got me bouncing back from one thing to the next trying to find my groove. And it is funny, sometimes I feel like I have this thing in the bag. Other times I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. I find my stride and then I lose it. I feel comfortable and confident, then I see a video and think, 'you are such an idiot.'
I think that is one of the strangest parts about being on camera, it totally betrays you. There have been so many times where I felt completely awkward and cold, and those videos look professional and great. Then there are other ones where I feel completely calm and together and I come across as ridiculous. Finding that balance is an art. Many better woman before have mastered it with ease. I imagine that I will too. The WSOP is like hostess training camp. Although something I don't think I will ever get used to are the rude comments.
An interesting thing develops when you find yourself in the public eye (even in a small way.) You open yourself up to public criticism. So, while I stumble my way to walking in this business, the whole cynical public gets to watch. I heard from Kristy that it never stops. I've always thought that I was pretty tough. Okay, I cried during The Notebook, but when it comes to business it has never been hard for me to keep things separate from my personal self.
For example, being and AD, I was always out and playing and partying with everyone. But when it came to the set, I had to be a hard ass. I had to get in the faces of those who arrived late or those who were slowing the production down. However, once I called, "a wrap", we were off the the bar together. Everything about my working self, was left on the set. In retrospect though, I was always the boss, or usually. I was calling out other people. Maybe I haven't been as exposed to enough exterior analysis.
This new limelight has not exactly left me with the option of avoiding this. I can understand people complaining about my professionalism, or my mediocre knowledge of poker, or just plain mistakes. But, the most bizarre thing about being in front of the camera is that is not really what people want to pick apart. They want to rip apart YOU. What they are obviously not getting, beside a life , is that no one is who they are on camera. I can't even say how many times I turn the light and a microphone on someone who was just having a normal conversation with me suddenly clams up. I guess it is that as soon as the record button is pushed everyone realizes they are about to be scrutinized. The brain shuts off in and effort to protect itself.
Now, I'm not complaining, I love this job, and believe me, I can take it. It is just an interesting and unexpected side effect of something I had heard about but had never experienced. To be honest, I hate uploading my videos to YouTube because I always end up seeing something I don't want to:
I bet Anton fcked sarah later that night
FredriikW 3 months ago 2
@FredriikW ... fcked like the soccer team in copenhagen? FCK'ed
FTAHindependent 3 months ago
Copen Haygen, not haagen bitch
AudioRobbie 3 months ago
Anyways, after Copenhagen I stopped looking. Phew. Because I don't want to become hardened. I think that staying sensitive is one of the only ways to maintain empathy. I still want it to hurt a little bit when someone says something horrible to me, so that I don't start doing that to other people.
Yesterday I was walking though the Rio checking out my next interview and someone yelled, "I love Sarah Grant." I don't know who it was and they probably meant it that way. But it warmed my heart so much. It was more real to me than 1,000 shitty comments. I guess this is part of the deal. Some people hate you, and some people love you. I hope I get to meet and hang with everyone who loves me. And I hope that everyone that doesn't remains a random screen name on the internet. Or else I might to unleash some of these biceps on the haters. J/K It genuinely reminded me of my hippie self that believes in karma and goodness and kindness. If just one sweet yelp, could erase 1,000 crude comments, I want to yelp sweet nothings all day. I want to try to be a person who makes someone warm up with my thoughtful words; rather than one that is snide and cruel. And believe me I can fall into sarcasm and insensitivity just as fast as the next guy. So, this moment for me was an important and lovely reminder of who I am. And of who I want to be in this world.
I am more used to talking about my history and random, funny stories. Yet, I thought this time I would share a bit about what this new chapter in my life has brought about in me. Both the good and the sometimes painful, are both part of how my new world is shaping the new me.