Musings on Poker and Other Stuff
I'm not sure what I expected. Considering that almost everything in my life has gone a bit backwards, I suppose this makes sense. My life is nothing, if not a bit unusual. I digress. The point is. I'm engaged.
I make Heath a book every year to showcase all the things we have done that year. I call them chapters in the story of a boy and a girl. The first year I did it, I wasn't sure if there would be any more chapters to come. But I knew I had enjoyed the last year immensely and I wanted to show Heath that he was forever a part of MY story now. The books have gotten bigger and bigger as our lives revolve around each other more and more. It is always an interesting reflection and reminder of all the things you share over the course of a year.
I had just finished the one for this year. I snuck it in while he was in LA working on a movie.
We were on Skype talking about a fight we had the previous weekend. Finally I just told him. I made a decision. "Heath, if you don't want to spend the rest of your life with me. If, after 5 years, you aren't sure I'm the one. Then, let me go so I can find someone that knows they want to." I was just overcome with the feeling that now was my time and that we were on a precipice. Either this was my soul mate, and I was convinced that it was. Or, it was time to fold our hand and move on. This was a situation I had likely wanted to bluff many times before, but I didn't know if I was ready for his action. Sometimes you just know. I put my chips in the middle.
And then...so did he. Apparently he had been holding out for Aces.
He calmly told me to open his night table drawer. I did. And after some digging I found the most perfect black box. It was the box every girl waits for. I opened it. WIthout any awareness of his view on Skype.
It was absolutely the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. Everything I wanted and then some. He wasn't on the fence. He knew already. But I guess he needed someone to push the action. He asked me to please come to LA and see him. Which brought me back to beginning of our relationship when I lived in LA and he lived in Vegas. The first chapter. Now, I was coming from OUR home in Vegas to see him working in film in LA. That used to be my life!
As I boarded the plane the next day I was overcome by the irony. I knew in my heart that we would have many, many more chapters in our "book." And at the same time, we would have very little control over the direction our story takes. 5 years ago if you told me I would be carrying his ring with me from Vegas to LA, I might have hoped, but never believed. We have made an interesting circle. Regardless of what crazy path gets you there...I think, the circle is perfect.
Oh what a difference a few years makes. Three years almost exactly that I started shooting "Sex, Blood and Fights" aka. Never Surrender and my life changed forever via The Texas Crazy Horse. But I got a little blast from the past weekend when two parts of the 4 part hipster crew that was Nads, Aubs, Manlunas and Sarah Grant came to Vegas. I think this was the party where we all officially started what would be two years I politely refer to as 1001 Drunken Nights. Obviously it wasn't 1001, but this isn't a math blog.
Los Angeles is a crazy town. I can't say for everyone, but for me, when I was in it, I thought the City of Angels was the ONLY city. I thought our hipster clubs and blogs and bars were the only place really cool people were. I thought our world was so unique. I thought free PBR and Colt 45 were a diet fit for a King. I thought paying marked up prices for a jacket at a thrift store made sense, since, geez, it was really vintage. I also thought I was living the dream.
Turns out, I was pretty broken. Turns out I never felt as cool or sheek or pretty as my hip little counter parts. Turns out, being a vegan didn't make me skinny. Turns out if I'm left to my own devices, I will strive on the outside, but I self destruct on the inside.
Double take, yes, those are the same two girls with only three years of history separating the pix. It was funny seeing these girls again, now, years later. I realized how important we were to each others' sanity. That amongst a sea of fist pumping bitches, we shared an understanding. We shared with each other an honest version of ourselves. Flipping through pix of club camera websites and free music downloads of the hottest new DJ, we somehow managed to share our collective brokenness and turn it into 1001 drunken nights.
WOW, I have to say it again, what a difference three years makes. But let's be honest, the night in my new home, Sin City, was no different. I ended up at home at 9am. Growing up doesn't mean you can't still party hard. I guess it just feels like you don't NEED to. No matter how strong I pretended to be and thought I was at 23, I've realized there is a certain strength that only time can give you. There are certain lessons that only growing older can teach you. And one is: you are not as cool as you think you are!!! But you are likely more beautiful than you realize.
Just in case that wasn't emo enough for you....at the end of the day I can count these girls amongst the people who have shaped me and the people who have shared a part of me I don't think will ever return. With each new chapter in all of our lives we are finding new mates, new loves, new jobs, and new cities for that matter. But, if I don't see them again for 20 years (I hope that never happens), I will always treasure the time we shared and consider these bitches best friends.