Musings on Poker and Other Stuff
Every time someone tried to convince me (ahem, Heath) that there is no need to do a real wedding I am reminded that we do it not for ourselves but for the other people we love. We do it to give people joyous occasions to come together when during the monotony of our lives, we quite often don't find the time.
One of my best friends from LA got married this weekend and I couldn't believe how the old crew came together. No matter where we all live or work now, we all managed to come together for this one moment. It was such a beautiful moment to celebrate where we were and how that part of us has got us where we are now.
My grandma was offended when my cousin ran off and married secretly. At first I wasn't sure why. But when I thought about how many years she had put into building my cousin into the woman she had become I totally understood. Those are the moments you wait for. Those are the moments where you allow yourself the joy of knowing that you brought someone to this next step. Those are the moments you replay later in life that remind you that things are changing, but that we are all so deeply ingrained in each others' lives that deciding to spend your life with someone isn't just about you. It is about everyone and everything that walked with you to that other person.
Society chose to make these moments about communities because it keeps us together. It keeps us connected.
I recently went on an overnight trip to LA for a photo shoot. A friend of ours who is super cool and dynamic invited Heath to participate in working with this dope photographer Tyleron an apocalyptic themed shoot. The shoot went awesome, I'm sure I'll have the pix to post soon. But shoot became very interesting and I must say I am ashamed at myself. I let myself act as judge and jury for someone else. I acted like a hypocrite and a gossip. The friend of ours will be called Joe for the purpose of this blog.
Joe is quite the character and ever since we have known him he has been attached to a very lovely lady we shall call Katie. Really Katie and Joe did everything together it seemed. She was always with him when he came to town or met us anywhere. She didn't have a job anything but that seemed to suit them very well. She was free to travel and play with Joe. I got to know her a little bit and actually started to like her. At first, like any hot girl, I assumed she was a mental midget, but she turned out to be very endearing. About a year ago when we saw the two of them in Vegas, they had gotten engaged. The proposal sounded absolutely magical!
Anyways, when I went to the shoot with Heath, I expected (which everyone knows is dumb) that she would be there. In the taxi on the way there, one of the other 'talent' for the shoot said that Joe and Katie had broken up. No Way I snap-called his bluff. I had just seen pix on facebook of them last week, looking all in love. Well, when we showed up, not only was Katie not there, but there was a new girl there in her place.
I was totally freaked out. How could this be? How could they have broken up? And more importantly how could she have been replaced so fast? It was kind of ironic because on the flight down I was stressing about the World Series and some work stuff and I was thinking how nice it would be to be Katie and just travel around with your beau and not have to worry about work. And yet, even after I had that thought, the thought creeped in, but then you put yourself in the position of being totally screwed if he leaves you. And in this case, he did.
I think I let it come into my mind that there was a time when if Heath left me I would have been totally up sh*t creek. I let all my insecurities fill up in me. I felt every time I had been betrayed. I thought about how Katie probably couldn't sleep and how Joe seemed to be having the time of his life. I remembered knowing that jealousy. It just touched on lots of pain.
I was nice enough to his new girl, after all, it really wasn't her fault. And I was nice enough to him too. I really like and respect him. But after a few glasses of wine i really started letting it out. I started judging and questioning. How could he do that to her? How could he be so happy? What about loyalty? What about Love? I bitched and moaned until Heath had to ask me to please stop. Really, I probably kept on after that.
When I awoke the next morning to head back to Vegas I had a terrible and guilty feeling in my stomach. (that wasn't just the WSOP stress). I knew in my heart that I had acted as if it was my job to judge someone else. I have no idea what their relationship was like on the inside. I don't know his heart. I don't know that it won't end up being the best thing for her. I don't know anything about anything. And moreover, let's be honest, it isn't as if I haven't broken a few hearts. It isn't as if I haven't watched someone beg me to come back and felt hardly anything. I left someone for their best friend once.
So while i had my pity party of all the sorrow I had experienced at the hands of lovers. I forgot to remember the damage I too have caused. And that with each lasting or broken relationship comes some kernel of truth. Who am I to keep that from anyone?