Sarah Grant

Musings on Poker and Other Stuff

When We Were Young

March 14, 2012

Tags: Sarah grant, Family, Parenthood.

Every time I go home I am reminded of where I come from. Obviously. But it is unusual in that I end up looking at picture after picture of moments I don't even remember. It is so crazy to see a picture of yourself, recognize it as yourself, but still not be able to relate to that person at all. I wonder if that only occurs in the years 0-15. Like somehow after 15 you have consciousness of your memories as being a part of you. Before that, you just have moments. And then some times years and years after that, you are confronted by pictures where you were so in the moment, those memories don't even exist. Yet, they are part of what shaped you. On some strange level you recognize that. I found some treasures.

Looking through the pictures I couldn't help but see that an alarming number of people had died. Many had been relegated to non-friends after some fights. People were just gone from my life. I realized that in my life I don't want that! I want to extend my hand in love and forgiveness to those who deserve it. I think that is the difference between a stranger and someone you love. A stranger has no reason to see you through shitty times both inside and out. But a friend will see you through your shit. A friend will recognize that you aren't perfect. A friend will know that loyalty is the key to friendship. But forgiveness is the only way to truly know another.
Here is a picture of my dad on his wedding day. He and his friends have endured more than their fair share of death, drugs, destruction & divorce. But, truth was on the other side. And those who made it to that side, know it.

RIP those lost. you are missed.

Katlyn Michelle

November 27, 2011 1 comments

Tags: Thanksgiving, Parenthood, Sarah grant, Heath herring.

Heath's daughter came to our house for Thanksgiving. This has been a tradition ever since I met Heath. I am so fortunate. She is perfect. Every time we spend some time with her, it gets me thinking. For someone who has never a child of their own before, it is such a unique experience. I am a 28 year old woman who has never been married and has no children. However, I get the privilege of knowing in an deeply personal way, a 13 year old girl. It brought several things to the forefront of my mind.
First, I was trying to picture the families of most of the people I know, and I realized that most of my friends have step-parents. While, in some ways families are breaking apart, they are also growing in other ways. I am extremely grateful for my own set of step-parents. Both of whom have taught me things that my own parents just didn't have to share. They have loved me without hesitation. And both have made sacrifices for the benefit of someone else's spawn.

(My step mom dying my hair fire engine red.) I hope that I can be that for Katlyn. I hope that I can be aspects that her mom just shouldn't and won't ever be.
Which brings me to my next thought on my time spent with her, how bad of an influence am I? Having only been a dog mom as I mentioned above, I just don't really have ability to determine what is appropriate or not. Not being with her all the time I just don't know what is normal for her. Was it okay to watch Dateline NBC about a murder? Is shit an okay cuss word? How honest can I be about my life? Is it bizarre to give her my trashy gossip magazine? I suddenly was overwhelmed with how important every moment and action was with her. The older you get the easier life gets in some ways. You don't have to soak up every detail about the world from your tiny little world. Once you are grown you will see the world on your own and make your own opinions and memories. For her, everything she knows comes from her family. She made some adorable comment about the President and I could tell that she had no idea about politics or society in this contemporary environment. But that didn't stop her from listening to things her mom said and repeating them like truth. When that happened I immediately felt compelled to share with her every life lesson I've ever collected. Every tid bit of my experience that might shed some light on things maybe even her biological parents couldn't.
The thing is, she is 13. She will have to go make her own experiences and mistakes. I think people with children have a certain grace that comes from the patience of realizing that you have absolutely no control. The best way to lead is by example. And even that doesn't work with all our imperfections.
Then as we drove the 12 hours to drop her off in her small town in the middle of no where after only seeing her for two days I came to the conclusion that maybe family isn't there to teach you, as much as we there to support you. Maybe I am in her life not to shed some light on God and the Universe, but rather, to drive 12 hours to show her that she is loved. Maybe I am in her life to forgive her no matter what she does, and pick her up when she makes the inevitable mistakes we are all destined to make. To give her not a foundation in the political paradigms of the world, but to give her a foundation of support.
And finally let me just add that I could not be happier to growing older and I welcome the coming of each day. Being around a 13 year old girl and thinking of all the things she has to go through. Listening to the things she thinks about now. I could not be more grateful at being a grown up. And hopefully a grown up she can look up to.